Well, dear readers, last year I committed an unspeakable crime and I have (well, we all have) paid an enormous price. Now, all I had ever wanted was a Cabbage Patch Kid. I deserved that doll after years of falling asleep with the face of that sinister clown I was given instead peering down at me every night from the top of the wardrobe. Well, the open letter I addressed to Santa Claus bore fruit and on Christmas morning I cried like a new-born baby when I unwrapped the parcel to find my Gertrude looking back at me (I was going to give her a prettier name but she was much uglier in real life). So, there she was — after so many years of not being able to do the Cabbage Patch dance with my very own doll ...Gertrude was mine.
However, little did I know that receiving what I had wanted for Christmas for the first time ever would bring about such a terrible new year. 2020 was going to be unforgettable. And, yes it has been — but for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to blame Santa for everything, but the scientists say the state of our environment may be partly at fault for what has happened. Perhaps the huge, uninsured toy factory in the middle of the North Pole where my little Gertrude was made has contributed somewhat to the destruction of our eco-system. What's more, suspect that Santa's sleigh has been running on diesel for years because reindeer don't run so fast (unless they're on some banned substance of course).That big belly of his needs a lot of maintenance too — not even a hundred pig farms would be enough to sustain that all year round. And what about his bright red Santa suits? His elves must get through a lot of fabric and bright red dye to cover Santa's modesty, never mind all the gallons of detergent needed to remove those chimney soot stains. Santa really does need to go green to save us all!
Speaking of green, did you know that was the colour of Santa's suit before it was hijacked by the Coca-Cola Company? Yes, modern-day Santa is the embodiment of irresponsible capitalism, of conspicuous consumerism; the reason why generations of kids have grown up with bad teeth and caffeine addictions; and worst still, the reason why we've had to put up with Jamie bloody Oliver lecturing us for years on healthy eating. Hey Jamie — you're not looking too lean yourself these days! Are you sure you haven't been guzzling down gallons of brown fizzy pop on the sly?
Now, I must admit that I’m happy with my Gertrude, so I suppose I’ll give you some credit for that, Santa. But some of the other childhood presents you brought me in the past were truly atrocious! I wanted a Barbie, but you left me a Sindy; I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid and received Coco the Clown: I asked for a Playstation and you got me a PlayMobil! Now, this can't all be a coincidence, Santa! This year, I’m taking things into my own hands because my ‘adult’ presents (socks, perfume, and more socks) haven't been up to scratch either. By the way, who was the loony who asked for a pandemic for Christmas. Was it Voldemort? Or was it Kim Jong-un again? I don't care that he only threatened to blow up the world twice last year — you shouldn't have given it to him! Or maybe you decided screw us all over because the elves finally joined a union? Well, it was always going to happen sooner or later, Santa. Supernatural, pointy-eared beings deserve decent pay and conditions just as much as the rest of us. So, this year Santa, don't bother getting stuck down my chimney. I don't care if you've showered in antibacterial soap and you're wearing a bright red hazmat suit — they’ll be no mince pies and no sherry waiting for you (you shouldn't really be riding under the influence anyway). It's not that you're unwelcome due to the pandemic (although that would be a good enough reason). No, I've decided to take my own presents and my own pleasure into my hands; this year, I’m going to give myself the gift of orgasms
After years of Christmas gift disappointments, not to mention a horrible 2020, I think I really deserve it... we all do! And that includes you too Santa. So, fill your glass with wine (no, Coca-Cola doesn't count!) and let's toast to joy; to hugs, to kisses and being able to share happy moments together again. And, remember — an orgasm won't solve all our problems...but it certainly does help.
Finally, for those reading this — don't waste any more time writing letters to Santa because he'll be otherwise engaged with more pressing (and pleasurable!) issues.