“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, declared Bill Clinton in 1998 in reference to his extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky. Judges, prosecutors, politicians, journalists and citizens debated at length about whether oral sex was or was not sex. A complete sexual experience must include sexual intercourse — that's what many people still think today. In a heterosexual relationship, men are expected to be well-endowed sex machines and expert lovers because they are responsible for the woman's satisfaction.
The belief that pleasure was only to be found through penetration was also troubling for Napoleon I's great-niece Marie Bonaparte. According to Wikipedia, ''She suffered from frigidity'', a "dysfunction'' that did not prevent her from having numerous lovers. The truth is that Marie discovered early on that caressing her clitoris was highly pleasurable. However, according to Nellie Thomson in her essay 'Marie Bonaparte's Theory of Female Sexuality: Fantasy and Biology', she stopped doing it when one of her nannies caught her red-handed and assured her that in addition to being a vice and a sin, she would die if she continued along the path of onanism. The princess, who was unable to reach orgasm through intercourse, concluded that the root of her problem lay in her anatomy — the glans of her clitoris was not close enough to the entrance of her vagina. She underwent several surgeries to remedy this 'problem', but to no avail (obviously!). Almost a century later, we continue in the same way, with limited and often inadequate sex education. Widespread misinformation has not only led to so-called ''frigid'' women, but also to men frustrated by the false myths that shroud male sexuality.
We pick apart deep-rooted beliefs that can make men feel self-conscious or overwhelmed. These beliefs are just as well-founded as the saying that if you don't go to sleep now, the bogeyman will come and get you.
Men always feel like having sex
They're always up for it. Why? Let's explain it with the words of sexologist Laura Morán, author of 'Orgas(myths). "Men and women have the same capacity for desire and arousal, the difference is in how they learn about sexuality". Sexual desire is influenced by factors such as stress, fatigue, anxiety or grief. The idea that men are always up for it and women can do without it is the result of our own upbringing.
Penis size really matters
The bigger the better — the Rocco Siffredi complex. The belief that you must have a large penis in order to satisfy a woman weighs heavily on the minds of many men. However, this is categorically untrue. Women do not need to be filled up as if they were water jugs. The vagina adapts to any penis and the most sensitive parts of the female anatomy are not found in the depths of the vagina, but in the clitoris (which is the equivalent of the glans penis) and in the first third of the vagina. As for anal intercourse, remember: the larger the penis, the more difficult it will be to penetrate an orifice that does not dilate and lubricate naturally like a vagina.
Men do not use sex toys for masturbation
Masturbation is neither something that just single people do, nor does it have to be a solitary experience. And of course, it’s often better and more exciting with sex toys in the mix. Masturbation is a healthy habit for both men and women and a fantastic practice for couples. It can be part of foreplay or an objective in itself. And yes, although men do buy toys, they tend to buy them for their female partners and not for themselves. However, the sheer number of internet searches on how to make homemade masturbators clearly shows that men are interested in these toys.
The man must take the lead in sex
Our upbringing or inadequate sex education leads to the proliferation of such beliefs. Thinking that a woman must be delicate and submissive and that a man must seduce and woo is pure ignorance. It corresponds to values of another era and cultural stereotypes that should be eradicated. Women also like to seduce and men like to be seduced. To think otherwise puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on both partners.
Men don't fake orgasms
Well, it seems that this is another lie that we've been fed and there are numerous studies to prove it. According to two studies: a 2010 study by the University of Kansas and a 2016 study by the University of Quebec, men fake orgasm 25% of the time, especially during vaginal penetration. Also, the adult toy brand Bijoux Indiscrets conducted its own research, 'Fiction vs Reality in Sex', in which among a sample of 1,465 people 21.2% of men admitted to having faked an orgasm in their life.
Anal sex is only for homosexuals
The anus has no gender or sexual orientation. It's full of nerve endings and is one of the most important erogenous zones of both the male and female body. And yes, any man can enjoy anal stimulation and penetration. In fact, one of the most sensitive parts of his anatomy is located next to the prostate. It’s called the P-spot and the only way to access it is through the anus.
Foreplay is for women
This is a big misconception. What is foreplay — a romantic dinner or fellatio? The idea that sex has to end with penetration to be fulfilling is false. Masturbation, petting, oral sex — everything is sex. Breaking free from coitocentrism will not only benefit women. It will help to dispel the false idea that if the woman doesn't reach orgasm during penetration, the man is doing something wrong. This is not the case. Remember, most women need clitoral stimulation to reach climax.
The longer you take to ejaculate, the more your partner will enjoy it.
Premature ejaculation is one of the most common issues encountered by therapists. Let's take it one step at a time. It's important to remember that porn is fiction and that you don't have to last for half an hour for your partner to reach orgasm. As sexologist Laura Morán explains, premature means before — but before what? Well, before the female orgasm — and there is no established time for how long it takes a woman to reach climax. There is such a thing as involuntary ejaculation, but there are many ways to overcome this. However, we must remove the pressure to delay ejaculation for the sake of satisfying the other partner. It's not necessary. You don't have to climax at the same time for the sex to be good. And we repeat, 30 minutes of intercourse without stimulating other parts such as the clitoris is more likely to lead to irritation than to orgasm.
Erection is always a sign of sexual arousal.
This isn’t true and every man knows it. Just as not having an erection does not mean that you are not aroused or that you are not attracted to your partner. There are many causes, both biological and psychological, which are at play in both cases. Nor does Viagra work, as the label says, if you're not sexually stimulated, so you can have an erection without sexual desire and sexual desire without an erection.
Male masturbation may be much more widespread and socially accepted than female masturbation, and there is not a sitcom or teenage film in which there are no jokes or jokes about it. However, men tend to be more reluctant to talk about their sexuality than women. "Women talk," they said in Friends, and it's true. Again, it's a matter of nurture; a man is expected to be an expert lover practically from his debut and cannot afford moments of weakness. On the other hand, we learn that women are emotional by nature and will share their intimate feelings more willingly. It’s essential to speak openly, to normalise sex in its entirety and to leave behind stereotypes and fallacies in order to experience sexuality to its fullest.
